Why did I come here again?

On the eve of my final exam for the fall term I ask myself why I chose to come here again.

If you're looking for humor, this is not the post to read.

I thought I could find something better than Bowdoin. I though I could find something more interesting, more hands on, something that would let me take part in something bigger than myself. I thought to make new friends and explore new subjects, to expand my horizons and all that other bullshit they tell you about when you first get to college. I thought it would be freshman year all over again. The freedom of freshman year combined with two years of college experience and a new social scene, what could be better?

I look back now and can definitively say that I could not have been more wrong. I have spent more time working, less time sleeping and socializing than I have at any other point in my college career or my life for that matter. I worked harder for shittier grades and less education. I "learned" about group dynamics; the only thing I learned is that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself because your roommate is likely out fratting.

Did become part of something bigger than myself? No. I became a slave to my work. I woke before 7 everyday and went to bed past 1 every night. I learned to live on 3-5 cups of coffee a day. I learned to give up any semblance of a social life. For a month I did nothing but eat and work. For what? To invent something that would help millions? thousands? hundreds? even one person? No. To make something that couldn't even melt one inch of snow? Yes.

For the record, a snow melting helmet is the dumbest fucking idea for a project ever.

I sincerely hate it here. I question why I even bother to try anymore. I actually devoted 100% of my time to my schoolwork; something I had never had to do before in my life, to see a return of this $!@%. Barely scraping a B-? I know I deserve better. I know I can do better. But faced with a situation such as this, what should I do?

Ask yourself, if you truly devoted yourself to something, only to see it fail; if you truly put all of your time and effort into something without any appreciable return, is it worth pursuing? If you give up everything you enjoy for two years in pursuit of a degree which may or may not get you a better job, is it worth it? Is it worth leaving your best friends behind for the bleakness of New Hampshire and the bullshit traditions of drinking keystone in a frat basement?

These are the questions I have wrestled with in the past several days.

I think something is wrong if the part of the day that I look forward to the most is going to sleep. I could understand feeling this way every now and again, but everyday? I am so rundown, I have no resistance left. I am left with my neutral emotive face but only for total lack of energy. The occasional text or chat with friends is literally the high point of my day. I just don't care anymore.

Someone get me out of here. I can't wait.

I made a mistake leaving Bowdoin. I made a mistake coming to Dartmouth. I pride myself in being able to handle anything that life throws at me but right now....

I

am

running

on

empty.

*insert bullshit inspirational phrase here*